Polite Paradise

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/03/calling-cps-nanny-care-and-feeding.html
Slate's Care & Feeding. The middle letter is from a couple with a new baby, whose paternal grandparents are giving her so many gifts that the parents' small condo is overflowing. (Actually, the specific items listed don't sound that excessive to me--more examples would have helped.) The letter-writer says, "I’m struggling to be grateful, but it seems so wasteful to buy so much stuff when that money could go into a college fund." She also points out that she gets a lot of hand-me-downs from her own side of the family.

The adviser says that indeed, one can politely ask that people not give so much stuff, and then feel free to donate anything extra to get rid of it. The adviser also says that the college plan is "a reasonable ask" but unlikely to be as emotionally satisfying as buying cute stuff to be enjoyed now. "And do not be shy about directly and clearly hitting all the family members up for recurring contributions" to a college fund, the adviser adds.

I remember this is a common problem people asked about on the old forum, but I think the above advice goes too far into rude territory. To me there's a fundamental disconnect with how some people view gifts. Like, someone gives a baby a giant teddy bear, and the parents think, "What a waste, that's $50 that could have gone into her college fund." It's like they think they were owed a $50 gift, and they're mad because it doesn't take the form they most wanted, so therefore, it's a waste, it's actually a negative in their eyes. Um, no. It was going to be a teddy bear, or nothing, because you aren't owed anything, it's up to the givers' discretion.

There are certain exceptions where gifts can be rude; or the amount of them can be burdensome, which the letter-writer is trying to claim here, but I don't feel like she's offering much evidence. Like, "the only donation center is 20 miles away and we don't have a car" would mean that donating these excess gifts is burdensome, although I would bet most people could work that out. It feels to me more like she's just being whiny. I get that it's frustrating, but you cannot dictate gifts.

That being said, there are definitely more subtle ways to influence what givers choose to give, but I feel like this letter-writer isn't approaching it with the right attitude. If she thinks first-time grandparents are going to get more joy out of the process of dumping money into a college fund, than they are with going to a store, shopping, picking out a giant teddy bear, telling everyone what they did, and then presenting the gift, she is delusional. It sounds fairly harmless to me right now--let the grandparents enjoy being grandparents. You could mention to them a wish-list of cute "things" that you still need/really want, like clothes and books, rather than teddy bears. Definitely let them see if things are crowded, mention in general how many (too many) toys she has and how you're giving some away unopened (not mentioning any specific ones, especially nothing THEY gave). Maybe they will get the hint, maybe not.

You could announce that you're setting up a college fund for your daughter--FULL STOP. Definitely do not solicit contributions from anyone! Why should "all the family members" fund your daughter's college? Don't they have kids and expenses of their own? Only if someone brings up the topic and offers to contribute themselves should this be mentioned. I find that part of the advice incredibly rude and off-putting.

Also, I think that with close relatives, like one's parents or siblings, it is okay to have a frank conversation that you wouldn't have with other people. Like you can say, "I know you love little Missy and love buying her presents, but we are really swamped right now. I need to ask you to please cut back." So you can ask them to stop/reduce, but I don't think you can say, "Instead of that, do this," unless they themselves ask for new suggestions. Because again, that's assuming you're entitled to gifts from them, at a certain level--like, "Let's redirect that revenue stream to a new project." It's not a revenue stream. It's completely voluntary, unpredictable gifts that people choose to give, and can choose to stop giving if you make it unpleasant for them. And, okay, to be totally honest, some people have a relationship with some family members/friends where they can safely assume gifts will be forthcoming and proactively direct them in a certain way--but I would never give that advice to someone, because it's just one of those things you have to know is okay for your exact situation, so you can break the rules. I think too many people assume they have that relationship, when they actually don't.

It just all unpleasantly reminds me of a friend I used to have, who basically calculated people's gifts to her and her kids like they were a predictable revenue stream, and she would get mad if someone didn't give the monetary amount they were "supposed" to give, or got her an item she didn't want so she had to return it (and didn't even include a gift receipt!). She didn't feel she was entitled, she felt she was being practical and straightforward, but it made my skin crawl to listen to her. Like, "My husband and I want to go on this trip, but it's really expensive, so I decided it would be my parents' Christmas gift to us both, plus half of their birthday gift to each of us, plus a quarter of my sister's Christmas gift to us..." If that truly works for everyone involved, fine, but it definitely didn't work for me.

I think that sounds like a good way to do it. I don't mean to give the impression that a recipient can give NO feedback at all other than gratitude for gifts. Just that there is a tipping point when one's demands become too specific, without anyone asking. To ask for "less stuff" or "smaller stuff" works because those are still pretty broad categories. A small teddy bear is smaller. A college savings bond is also smaller! I think it is fine to politely prompt givers to think a little more before they give, because it is certainly possible to be rude or at least inconsiderate with one's gifts. But saying, "Stop with the cute stuff and deposit directly into our bank account instead," is going too far for most relationships.