Author Topic: Couple disagree about visit  (Read 375 times)

Offline Lynn2000

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Couple disagree about visit
« on: October 23, 2018, 09:08:41 pm »
Here's an issue my mom was just telling me about. She was going to be in the area where her elderly aunt and uncle live, and was hoping to visit them. She called and talked to her uncle first, who was extremely enthusiastic about her visit. Then he passed the phone to her aunt, who said, "I'm feeling so awful, I don't want to see anyone. You know I love you and I wouldn't tell you not to come, unless I was feeling really miserable." (I don't know if this is physically, or emotionally, or what; if she could be left alone for a while, or not.)

So, my mom won't be visiting them. But, she felt bad, because she hasn't seen them in a while, and her uncle seemed so excited about the idea. Obviously, the ideal would be for husband and wife to actually talk to each other and get their stories straight; but barring that, what would you do in this situation?

The couple are in their 70s or 80s but live in their own home still; I'm not sure if they drive or not. I suggested calling back and asking to take the uncle out to lunch or something like that.

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Offline STiG

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Re: Couple disagree about visit
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2018, 07:21:20 am »
I agree; ask Uncle if he'd like to go out for lunch somewhere and offer to bring take out back for Aunt.  In talking to Uncle over lunch, she might find out a bit more why Aunt isn't feeling well and can then buy something to send home as a pick-me-up for Aunt.

But the fact that Aunt is feeling so poorly that she doesn't want to see her niece is concerning to me; if there is someone assisting Aunt and Uncle somewhat, I think your Mom should touch base with them.  Maybe Aunt needs to see a doctor.
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Offline Poesie

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Re: Couple disagree about visit
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2018, 06:42:05 am »
Agree with STiG. If the Uncle is enthusiastic, no need to make him miss out on a very welcome visit so long as Aunt’s request is also respected.

Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Couple disagree about visit
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2018, 10:03:37 am »
Yeah, I think it would have been a good idea, to take the uncle out to lunch, but I think my mom was rather taken aback at the change in tone, and she didn't want to interfere. I think if the uncle himself had suggested it, she would have agreed immediately, but she just didn't think of it on her own, and didn't want to call back and bother them again.  :(

The couple have adult children and others who see them regularly, so I would presume their health needs are seen to as well as possible; my mom definitely wasn't going to intervene in that, she has enough trouble looking after her own mother (the aunt's sister), who is 90.

It just seemed really awkward to me and my mom, with the two people in the house disagreeing about a visit so emphatically. Who do you "side" with? It reminded me a bit of a thread from the other forum, about a wife who decided to buy full-sized pies for everyone in their tour group, and her husband said he didn't want her to, and then everyone rather awkwardly had to choose a side--because you either accepted a pie from her or declined it, there wasn't a middle ground. At least in this case there wasn't any rancor, it seems.

Offline ginger aka Gellchom

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Re: Couple disagree about visit
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2018, 12:07:11 pm »
Your aunt didn’t say she didn’t want you to see your uncle, just that she wasn’t feeling up to a visit herself. So I would make plans to go out for lunch with your uncle and say that if Aunt is feeling up to it you would love for her to come too.

Think about whether you might discuss your concerns about your aunt with your uncle. Or maybe give a call to one of your cousins?

Offline Kiwi Cupcake

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Re: Couple disagree about visit
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2018, 01:45:03 pm »
So you think your aunt may be thinking she will have to host? Taking uncle out to lunch is a good compromise but do you think your aunt may be up for visiting if your mom brought or cooked lunch at their house? Aunt won't have to do extra work then. I can understand if your mom don't want to ask and look pushy though.