Author Topic: Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards  (Read 261 times)

Offline GloryAndCrumpets

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Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards
« on: November 30, 2018, 12:29:11 pm »
This has started making the rounds on the internet so some of you may have already seen it, but if you haven't, get a load of the second letter in this "Dear Prudie." Basically, the LW gave her daughter-in-law a gift card to a craft store. The DIL used the gift card to buy yarn, which she then used to crochet a lovely blanket for the LW...and the LW is hugely offended because this is apparently the same as paying for her own gift.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/11/dear-prudence-violent-brother-host.html

I don't even know what to say to this! I don't blame the DIL for being cold at all. What do you even do in this situation?

Also, the first letter is a doozy as well. The LW's husband wants to host his brother (who has made threats of violence against the LW and enjoys spying on teenage girls while they get undressed) for the holidays and can't understand why LW is upset about it.

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guest121

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Re: Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2018, 01:14:32 pm »
Both letters are jaw-dropping in their own way. But to focus on the less-traumatic yarn issue:

Beyond the six months of hard work and planning that went into that coverlet, there's the fact that the DIL sacrificed the opportunity to buy things for herself. The whole point of money is that it is fungible.

There's absolutely no difference, economically speaking, between what DIL did versus DIL spending the gift card on things to make for herself or others, and then spending money out of pocket to buy the yarn for MIL's present. It comes out exactly the same either way.

The elegant reciprocity of DIL using the gift card to underwrite a lavish gift for MIL seems to me like a beautiful symmetry of familial sharing. When families are working together for everyone's mutual benefit, it's not about "tit for tat:" if I give you more then I have less, so you owe me. No, it's that we're all putting our love and affection and gifting into a mutual "pot", and the more you or I put in the more we all have. That's the difference between family and business, or dealing with strangers.

Besides that, there's the emotional investment of handmaking something for someone. To spend six months working on that coverlet means that she spent long hours thinking about MIL and FIL, hoping to please them, preparing something warm and cozy and beautiful for their enjoyment and comfort. That's a lot of love and affection!

For MIL to reject that affection and accuse DIL of being stingy is shocking and must have been very hurtful. Stingy? She doesn't know what the word means! For her to go further and insult DIL's mother and her upbringing? !!!!! :o :o :o

I mean, you don't like me or you don't like what I did? Fine, go stew in it. But don't you dare bring my mother into this. That's just apallingly rude and uncalled-for.

No wonder DIL has gone cold. To work her fingers to the bone for six months only to be met with that kind of nastiness and disdain? There's no pleasing that woman, and the only sensible thing to do is stop trying and keep her at arm's length for the sake of civility. I can only assume her husband has given up on trying to set her straight over the years, and settled on "just drop it" as the best he can hope for.
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Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2018, 03:41:24 pm »
Ooh, I missed that one because I didn't want to read about the creepy brother-in-law. Like, how many times can you shout, "He is a creep and maybe you should divorce your husband" at the computer screen before someone comes to check on your welfare? I feel like there's at least one of these in Dear Prudie every week.

Actually I think the yarn-related letter-writer has done her daughter-in-law a big favor. Just think what this woman must be like. There is NO WAY she has been a perfectly normal, polite person up to this point, and then suddenly went berserk. The DIL's married life has probably been filled with small slights and minor judgmental comments, with her thinking, "Did she really meant it THAT way? Am I just being oversensitive?" Well, if the DIL could see this letter, think how relieved she would be! Her mother-in-law IS a judgmental harpy! She has no further need to doubt that. And, she can now resolve to never go one step out of her way for this woman ever again in her life, with a clear conscience.

Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to show them unambiguously who you are.
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Offline NutellaNut

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Re: Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2018, 04:34:16 pm »
For just a brief second, I thought the MIL was upset because the DIL didn't use the card on herself, thereby shorting herself of the intending generosity.  But then it became clear that no, MIL truly felt that the gift she admits is lovely is also stingy because the DIL bought the supplies with the gift money.

How sad that the DIL probably thought she was turning the gift card into a beautiful item, in a way joining their gifts into one family heirloom, and the MIL treated it - and her - like trash.
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Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Dear Prudie: Inlaws and Gift Cards
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2018, 05:31:24 pm »
I have also heard the argument that you should be careful who you give major homemade gifts to, because they might not want it (another blanket = more clutter) but it would be really hard to turn down or get rid of, due to all the hours of work from a loved one that went into it.

But if the MIL is saying she thinks the gift item itself is lovely--she just wished her DIL had spent her OWN, literal, money on it--then yeah, she's messed up. I feel like she's basically looking for anything she can to complain about the gift and be offended by it. I have a strong suspicion that WHATEVER the woman received from her DIL, she'd find a way to be offended by it.

I've heard before that some people who give a gift card don't want it used back on them in any way--like you give someone a gift card to a restaurant, and they choose to take YOU out to dinner with it. I can see how that could make someone uncomfortable. But again, it's not something a reasonable person would actually throw a fit over, as it sounds like this MIL has. If it keeps happening and you really don't like it, stop giving gift cards.

Anyway, the idea should be that the recipient is using the gift card how THEY want (with you or without you). Plus, as others have said, a lot of WORK went into making this gift--actually buying the supplies (with the gift card) was a minority part of the final gift.