Polite Paradise

I check my email all the time, and I'm on Facebook once or twice a week for updates. My dad never checks his email; he has a Facebook account but rarely checks it. My mom usually checks her email once a day but sometimes less; she doesn't have Facebook.

With some frequency, a family member will send out an invitation to a gathering via email or Facebook. I see it within at most a few days, but my parents might never see it. To what extent am I obligated to pass info onto them? Obviously I have an ulterior motive: if it's a gathering I want to attend I will make sure they have the info, but if I'm not interested in attending, I may not bring it up with them.

Specifically, this week I received an email inviting me to a relative's gathering on Labor Day. To be honest I don't want to go as I would rather have the holiday to myself to relax, BUT they are also combining it with a milestone birthday for a little added pressure. It wouldn't be AWFUL to go; I'm on the fence about it. Which makes it harder to decide what to do. Neither of my parents has mentioned the gathering, and I think they would normally want to attend. The email should have gone to my mom (though I didn't double-check that she's on the email--they are both definitely invited in principle) but I don't know when she checked her email last. It IS short notice for the gathering, as they acknowledge in the email, but we didn't have other plans except of course for seeing each other and relaxing.

Thoughts?

Are your parents dependent on you as a caretaker? If so, I think you're entitled to gatekeep their social schedule to make it work for you.

Or do they rely on you just for transportation?  In that case, it would be better if you could arrange alternate transportation for things you don't want to attend. Then you can get yourself out of the gatekeeping position by letting each host/hostess know, when you receive an invitation, that FB and email aren't reliable ways to get hold of your parents. If they want them to come, they should call (or whatever means is reliable).

If they live independently but would expect you to go to any family function that they go to, then I think it's not great for you to keep information from them just to avoid saying "no." Independent adults should decide for themselves what invitations to accept, and you and they should be able to attend different things. Again, it's better to get yourself out of the middle by informing the rest of the family that FB and email invitations probably won't be seen.

I think there probably is an unspoken assumption by the extended family that you are the go-between for your folks. It's a common expectation, with parents and with spouses - common enough that if you want to opt out, you need to do so explicitly.

Once you've done that, there's no further obligation to pass messages. But if you know they probably would want to go to something, and choose not to tell them on purpose so they won't know,** that is not a good way to treat them, or your wider family.

**again, if your parents are your dependents, I think that changes the situation. You have to pick and choose what you can commit to in that situation.

I would probably float an idea to the group just as your host did, and see if anyone had an objection or time conflict.

If waiting would cause a problem for anyone, then I'd try to figure out a more substantive Plan B.  I've never had a good experience leaving one restaurant and trying to find another on the fly, especially with a group. It always gets more and more complicated, and winds up taking just as long or longer to get fed.

I think it's best to stick with the simplest solution, unless there's a pressing reason not to. And I'd assume the guests would be adults and speak up if they had a problem.

On the guest side, if I'd just driven an hour to visit with family, the last thing I'd want to do is get back in the car and start caravaning from one restaurant to another, looking for a suitable place that's open and has a free table. I'd much rather spend the time talking with the people I came to see!

I think that this is a case of "these things happen" and when they do, you try to make the best of it. I feel like either decision probably would have not been ideal for *someone* so really, the best thing is for the host/organizer to just make a decision and stick with it.

When you say you thought they would say, "Oh, there's another nice-ish restaurant down the street we were thinking of going to, which is already open," I'm wondering if *you* knew of such a restaurant. In other words, is it an area where there are lots of choices that were commonly known about and it would have been just as easy to go to another place that was close by?

As organizer, if I knew about another place, or if someone suggested one, I'd still want to call to make sure they were indeed open and could accommodate our group. Doing that might take several minutes with everyone standing around waiting, and then if that place didn't work out, possibly repeating it for another place.

Again, I don't think there was necessarily a right or wrong thing to do in this case. If it's a small number of people, it's pretty easy to just change the venue, but for a large group, it can be a bit more cumbersome.

I'm guessing for a special occasion, eating at a fast food restaurant would not have provided the experience or the "treat" they were looking for. Also in terms of time, I would think (hope?) that the coffee and gabbing that happened at the fast food place might replace some of the coffee and gabbing that tends to occur after the meal/during a lingering dessert.