Polite Paradise

Well. I just learned there is some mystery in my family, but also managed to cut myself off from finding out what it is, possibly forever.

I have a bunch of cousins that I spent a lot of time with as a child, but have not been close with as we all married, moved cross-country, had children, etc. We are in contact on Facebook but have only seen each other maybe twice in the last 15 years.

Today one of these cousins posted something lighthearted about distant family and genealogy, and cousins X times removed, and tagged me and another person I did not know, whose name isn't familiar at all, and with whom I have no mutual friends except this cousin. I jokingly replied, asking how many degrees the stranger and I were removed. Joking.

Well, immediately the stranger replied to my comment saying we should figure it out in our DM's, and she sent me a friend request. Okay. I accepted the request and the stranger said she's my cousin's niece. Fine, whatever. I don't really know anything about my cousin's husband's family. There could be dozens of folks on that side I never heard of, they're no relation to me. So I replied back and said, "nice to meet you, I'm a cousin."

Meanwhile, my cousin also DM's me and says there's something she's been meaning to tell me about, but it needs to be a private conversation, so here's her cell number, please call.

Wut.

??

I haven't spoken to her directly in ten years, other than FB comments like "yay for your kid's accomplishment".

I ask her when's a good time to call. Then I think about it.

I live in the same town as this cousin's parents and one sibling, though I rarely see them. My parent is in touch, though. And I am in regular contact with my parent. Our parents and siblings are the only people still living we both know. So why would anything need to be personal or private? Who is she keeping a secret from, and if she had a secret, why on earth would she ever think to tell me of all people? Like, I could not possibly be more on the outskirts of her life and still be acquainted at all. It's entirely possible that if we were wearing sunglasses or had our hair done differently than our profile pictures, we wouldn't recognize each other if we met in the street.

So I send a follow-up message. She spent enough time around me as a kid to know that I am an awkward blurter. Always was. As a matter of fact, the last time we saw each other I blurted something awkward at her. (Not hurtful, nobody's secret, just kind of a TMI non-sequitur).

I let her know that my awkward blurting thing is only getting worse with age, and that if this thing she wanted to tell me needs to be kept from certain people and not from others, it's probably better if she doesn't tell me at all. Because I can't possibly guarantee that I won't accidentally mention it, or something tangentially related to it, in the wrong person's hearing. Not out of malice, but simply because I cannot keep straight who knows what about whom and who isn't supposed to know this other ... Can't do it. Never could.

So she replies back and says, "Okay then, no need to call."

WUT?

On the one hand, I feel vindicated. Because obviously if she feels that way about it, I did the right thing by warning her.

On the other, I'm bursting with curiosity. There's got to be some familial connection between me and this "niece," that she would be okay with me knowing, but does not want the rest of her family to hear about.

Did she find a half-sibling, and doesn't want to break her parents' hearts by revealing that she knows?

Did one of her known siblings put a baby up for adoption that the rest of the family didn't know about? I don't know how old this "niece" is, but my cousin and her siblings were teenagers in the early 1980's. Packing off pregnant teen girls to have their babies in secret was certainly still done at that point, at least in the area where we grew up. It happened to a friend of mine.

Is the "niece" actually her daughter?

Or is it just something about her husband's family not getting along with each other, that has nothing to do with me anyway, and she's acting all cloak-and-dagger about nothing?

I blurted about my blurting, and now I've blurted myself right out of anything juicy to blurt! Gaaah!

Cousin replied back that she appreciates my honesty and my concern not to hurt people, and feels sure that Specific Sibling would appreciate it too. She just regrets that I won't get to know New Niece, as they have become very close in the last year and she thinks we'd hit it off.

So obviously New Neice is her sibling's secret child. And she's managed to make sure I know, with plausible deniability that she told me anything.

I let her know that I already friended New Neice. And advised her that if this connection is supposed to be a secret, she'd best remove the tags from her public post that refers to us both as cousins.

Because my parent doesn't use FB, but their nosey spouse and my siblings do. And her sibling doesn't use FB, but her mother does.

So it seems I'm not the only awkward blurter in the family, I'm just the one who admits it.

I am totally confused. I started to think perhaps it isn't a secret per se, but just something I shouldn't bring up in conversation because it's painful.

But then she thanked me for my warning about the tags, and said she was going to change the settings so only the 3 of us could see it.

I'm just waiting now until I know my eldest sibling will be home from work. They're closest in age to these cousins, and most likely to know the story if anyone does. Or to remember any sudden wierdness/arguments/estrangements in the right time period.

Yeah, that is a tough one. But a very good question to tackle here!

I have to admit I'm really curious as well! So I find myself kind of looking for reasons to tell you it's okay to pursue the matter. If you stick to what your cousin stated publicly on Facebook, and if your parent can be discreet, I think you are okay to ask your parent about it. Cousin did not really confide in you, after all; in fact she decided to definitely NOT confide in you. She merely unwisely piqued your curiosity, and that of anyone else who can read her Facebook page. She has handled this sensitive information badly.

Also, you are now Facebook friends with this new person, as encouraged by your cousin, and it would be quite natural for you to reach out to them and say hello--maybe stick to hobbies or something, and see if they volunteer anything about their origins. You could almost say it would now be rude to NOT reach out, since you have friended them. It seems to me like the new person is open to learning about their bio-family, and that is a decision that's up to the individual--it is not Cousin's role to be the gatekeeper. Having made the introduction (of sorts) between you two, Cousin cannot now say, "Never mind, forget about it," unless she is speaking on behalf of the new person.

On the other hand, you know that Cousin's intention is to keep this new person and their bio-relationship to the family quiet, even if she has gone about it poorly. So you could also choose to just set this entire matter aside in your mind, at least for the time being. If Cousin is bad at keeping secrets, and the new person really wants to meet their bio-family, then it will probably all come out anyway within the next few months.

I think it is really important to respect the wishes of the people who are most closely involved. When you are searching for your bio-family, the emotions can be extremely complicated and conflicting. I've had people tell me they WANT to know, very passionately, and then a few weeks later they get cold feet and have decided they don't want to pursue it. I always try to be respectful of their choice--finding their bio-parents might help me a little bit in my family history work, but it is a MAJOR deal to them, so it is not right for me to pressure them in any way. At the same time, if someone IS reaching out, it would be awful if bio-relatives slapped them down and were like, "Nah, I don't really care," especially a relative who was pretty removed from the original situation.

So I guess my ultimate advice is to think about the new person whom you've friended and try to follow their lead. Like maybe message them, "Hey, I'm Susan, first cousin to Beth. Always glad to meet new people. If you want to chat about anything, just let me know." Then they can reply or not as they prefer.

I'd hope if there was a scam to be warned about, secrecy would be the last thing on anyone's mind! That sort of thing should be spread widely, though I can understand being discreet about it (not the same as secret).

For example, an aunt has occasionally warned my parents that a cousin's ex-wife is trying to get money for herself or her three (grown) kids with cousin. It's not anything super-horrible, but merely unwise--like wanting someone in the family to co-sign (or whatever) a student loan for one of the kids, thus being on the hook for all that money that, realistically, the actual student won't be able to pay back. Or, wanting a family member who owns a lot of property (as a landlord) to let them live somewhere rent-free. Or, spending a lot of money to send the student on study abroad for a semester, then wanting money from the family to continue the student's domestic education. Just stuff that makes you think, "You know, if you knew you would need money for X, maybe you shouldn't have spent it on Y first." And, it's the sort of respectable thing--college education!--that someone in the family might possibly fall for and agree to, if they didn't know as much about the back story as my aunt and uncle (parents of cousin whose ex this is).

Well, it seems like the door is open if she wants to contact you again. I would just keep an eye on her feed or whatever you normally do on Facebook, "like" an occasional photo maybe. But otherwise I probably wouldn't do anything else, and just wait and see what happens in the future.

Well, you owe her several years of birthday presents that you didn't get her because you didn't know she existed so she's just trying to get you all caught up!