Polite Paradise

I can never come up with the snappy comeback when I need it.  I usually think of it much later.

But there have been a couple of occasions where I did come up with it at exactly the right time.

So tell your stories!

Here are mine:

I was playing in a baseball tournament; my now husband was scorekeeping for us.  I was having an awesome day - great plays in the field, great hits.  After one such hit, standing on first base, one of the guys - the biggest jokester on the team - hollers at me, 'What did you have for breakfast?'  I snapped back with, 'A quickie.'  He burst out laughing and my husband turned bright red but was laughing his butt off, too.  The first baseman for the other team was laughing, too.

The guy who used to sit in the cube behind me at work was a bit of an odd duck.  Anytime I went around to his 'door' to ask him something, he'd quickly minimize whatever was on his screen.  One day, I guess I was quiet (so not like me) coming around the corner that he jumped, minimized his screen and told me not to scare him like that.  I joked that if he wasn't watching **** at work, he wouldn't have to worry so much.  He blinked a couple times and burst out laughing.  This guy was probably the most straightlaced guy I've ever met and would never watch **** period, let alone at work.  Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious.

Lynn, I can totally picture that.  That was awesome!

That reminds me of the best one.  My Mom and I were having an argument and she looks at me and says, exasperated, 'God, you're stubborn!'  To which I responded, 'I learned from the best.'

I won the argument.

And my Dad laughed his butt off.

So, the other day I had a good comeback but didn't use it. Damocles and I have four kids, which I don't think is an unreasonable number, but seems to shock a lot of people.

Anyway, I was in the grocery store the other day with all the kiddos and a somewhat older woman stopped asked me "Are they all yours?!" I was really tempted to say something like "No, I just like collecting random small children to take to the grocery store. I find it really enhances the experience." But she actually seemed quite nice so I stopped my sarcastic mouth in its tracks and just said "Yes, they are!" Which was good, because she then complimented me on how well-behaved they were, which was nice to hear.

But yeah, I was actually pretty proud of myself for not being snarky!

There was a news story about a woman that I (and many others) thought was clearly guilty but who was acquitted of murdering her young daughter.  I said to my husband, "If I'm ever accused of murder, I want you to make sure that you hire her lawyer for me."  His response? "As long as I'm not your victim, sure!"