Author Topic: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home  (Read 800 times)

Offline lowspark

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Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« on: February 07, 2019, 02:49:37 pm »
Over on the other forum, there is a discussion regarding whether a particular host was being rude. In the midst of the discussion, not specifically à propos but related, someone posted this in the middle of their reply:

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I would normally not bring a water bottle or thermos to someone's home. (It might look like I do not trust their hosting and I would not be able to share with others.)

It got me to thinking, as I know a few people who do this very thing. They are somewhat attached to their water bottles, which they might (?) refill at the tap while visiting, but in effect, they are bringing their own private beverage to my (or others') home.

What say you? Rude or ok?
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guest348

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2019, 03:10:28 pm »
I think your own water bottle is okay, especially if you take it everywhere with you anyway. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be okay with that. I admit that I do it, and no one has ever given me the stink eye for it! One friend does not keep cold water in her fridge and her water dispenser isn't a chilling one (her tap water is not potable), they don't keep ice in the freezer and I like my water ice cold. Another friend also doesn't keep water in the fridge nor ice in the freezer. I would not, however, take a thermos of some other drink that I wouldn't share.

Offline Winterlight

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2019, 07:23:15 pm »
I think it's fine. I usually carry a water bottle with me, and it has nothing to do with my host/hostess, it's because I have dehydration issues.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Offline GloryAndCrumpets

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2019, 07:28:55 pm »
I would say with something like this, it kind of depends on the situation. I'm trying to drink more water and to that end, I've started carrying my large Nalgene bottle with me all day. I keep it near me when I'm in the house, and throw it in my bag when I go somewhere. So a lot of times, if I'm getting together with someone casually or it's a spur-of-the-moment visit, my water bottle is already be in my bag and I'll go ahead and drink out of it and maybe ask if I can refill it before I leave. I've never had anybody look askance at that, and it wouldn't even be a blip on my radar if one my own guests did the same thing. Now, if I'm going over to someone's house for a formal dinner part, then yeah, I won't take my water bottle with me, and I would think it was a bit odd if someone showed up with one in that situation. Maybe not horribly, unforgivably rude/tacky, but...a little weird and maybe off-putting.

Now that I think about it, the purpose of the gathering might play into things as well. If I'm getting together with my book club or for a "stitch and ****" session with a friend, or something where there may very well be snacks, but the event isn't centered around a meal, I would think nothing of bringing a water bottle or a travel mug of coffee. On the other hand, if I'm getting together with someone specifically for a meal- so, say, the dinner party example- I wouldn't bring any food or drink with me (unless it was a contribution to the meal or a hostess gift, like a bottle of wine), and I would think it weird if other people did. That seems to me a lot more like "I don't trust your hosting" than bringing along your water bottle to a non-food centered event.
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guest121

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2019, 07:29:43 pm »
I think it depends on the relationship. In my family, we referred to the distinction as "company" vs "folks."

Company comes in the front door. You fetch food and drinks for them while they stay seated, or have everything ready laid-out for a buffet. You put out matching tableware and monitor their drinks to see if they need refills. There's a start time and an end time.

Folks come in the side door. You let them help themselves to ice or refills. You tell them to come "anytime after X" and stay till "whenever." You spend a good bit of time talking in the kitchen. They might help with cleaning up.

I wouldn't bring my water bottle where I was company. I would where I was folks.
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Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2019, 08:11:39 pm »
Generally, I find that if someone brings their own private food/drink to a gathering, it's because of their own issues, and not because they're trying to make a point to the hostess or be rude to anyone. Like my dad will sometimes bring his own drink when he comes to my place for lunch. Of course, 1) it's my dad, so pretty much as casual as it gets; but also 2) I know he's super-picky about what he drinks. For reasons I don't understand, he hates my tap water and would rather drink NOTHING than drink it. And since he doesn't know what else I might have on hand, he often brings his own small bottle of 7-Up or even bottled water. I think it's kind of funny, but I know it's totally on him and what makes him feel comfortable, and he's trying to be nice by not insisting I have XYZ on hand for him to drink at all times.

I think a LOT of people truly don't want to put a host out, and if they've got some quirk or dietary restriction or something, they'd rather just take care of it themselves. Like, I have food restrictions, so whenever I go to a gathering I always put a couple of meal bars in my purse. I eat what I can that the host has provided, and try to be all-around pleasant and so forth. Then later--maybe on the way home, or in the bathroom if I'm really hungry--I'll eat one of the meal bars. Always trying to be discreet and not let anyone else know I'm doing it. It's just a thousand times easier for me to do that, than to try and explain to someone else what I can and cannot eat. (It's not that my restrictions are really so confusing, it's just that it would involve cooking in a totally different way, and I wouldn't really know if the person had done it correctly or not until later, if I had a bad reaction.)

I'm sure there are people who bring a private snack/drink to a gathering as a way to be rude and comment on the host's abilities, but I can't think of any examples personally. And, if someone does do this, it's probably best to react as if they just need their own little security blanket, and not get upset with them, because that's exactly what they're going for.

Also, I'm not super-fond of the "share with the whole class" mentality. I mean, does anyone seriously show up with a single bottle of water, or to-go cup of coffee, and have other people expect them to share it with anyone, let alone everyone? Like, is that a fear people have? Because I don't think that's reasonable. You know, it'd be pretty weird if I went to a gathering and one person brought a single piece of pie, and proceeded to eat it by themselves in front of everyone. That would be strange. But I wouldn't be thinking, "They should have shared that single piece of pie with everyone!" I'd be thinking, "They should have left it at home, or eaten it later, or eaten it privately." Or more likely, "Wow, that was weird, I wonder what kind of issue they have." I mean, this isn't Survivor. Like with my meal bars, as I said I try to be discreet and no one ever knows I have one; but if something happened and people found out I had it, I would definitely NOT expect rational adults to demand that I share it with everyone. (Nor WOULD I share at a normal gathering with plentiful food, because these things are expensive! And they're an acquired taste...)

Offline lmnop

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2019, 01:35:30 pm »
I take my contigo water bottle with me literally every single place I go, except into a restaurant that I have driven to because then I can leave it in my car. I don't remember the last home I didn't bring it into. I took it to the last several weddings. But, I'm also not the only one. Reusable water bottles are literally everywhere here.

Offline Foxglove

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2019, 06:27:47 pm »
I think it's OK to have a water bottle in one's tote/day bag/purse etc. and pull it out for sipping at a casual gathering. 

If I were to feel the need to take anything else to a host's home -- for example, I am picky about real Coke, and about the sort of beer I drink -- I would take a multipack and expect to leave the unconsumed portions behind.   Same with food.  If I feared there would be nothing edible for me, and if the occasion were informal enough, I might take a cheese platter and bread -- for everyone.  Not just a tupperware tub of cheese and crackers for myself.

And of course, this would at most happen at a casual gathering or large party where the extra drinks would slip unnoticed into the bar area.  And not if my host prided herself or himself on their offerings -- for example, I know one man who hosts an old-fashioned alcoholic Christmas punch party -- I would not introduce other offerings to compete with his signature drink and cherished holiday tradition.  Another family does a champagne cookie swap -- same thing.  Water bottle, discreetly, OK.  Schlepping in the door with packs of beer and coke, to step on their arrangements, no.  Annual family corn roast -- not the day to bring my famous nachos even if I don't like corn. 


Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2019, 12:18:16 pm »
If you really like something, but it's not a dietary restriction or a necessity--like, I have an uncle who only drinks Pepsi, and not other sodas, but if there's no Pepsi he could drink water, lemonade, iced tea--is it better to bring one can for yourself, a bunch of cans for everyone, or just go without it?

I would worry that bringing a bunch of cans, which is clearly not a hosting gift, would actually look worse than just bringing one for yourself--one can for yourself, to me, says, "Okay, I'm weird, but I really want this and don't want to demand my host supply it." Bringing a bunch of cans, unasked, to me is what really says, "Your hosting is likely to be inadequate, so I'll supply these drinks for everyone." I can see how someone would be thinking, "It's better to bring enough to share with everyone," but it also takes it from "I'm just weird" to "I'm commenting on the party."

But actually as I think about it, for example in terms of my uncle, if he brought a bunch of Pepsi cans to a party, I know he would do so in a well-meaning way, thinking it was the best way to get what he wanted to drink without excluding anyone else. And, I don't think he would do it at a formal party, or anywhere he didn't know people well--it would be at casual gatherings among family and close friends.

Do people have stories about someone bringing food to a party, and they really thought they were commenting on the host's inadequacy? As I think about it, I feel like it's much more dependent on the specific person, rather than their exact actions. Like I used to be friends with someone who was very judgmental and always thought she knew best, and she really analyzed things closely, so if she brought food to someone else's party unasked (that wasn't a hosting gift), it would be pretty clear she was worried the host wouldn't provide enough. She would tell you (a third party) that flat-out either before or after, so it wasn't a matter of attributing something mean to her that wasn't warranted. Even with something small, like getting a plate for a guest while the host is busy, she would manage to convey that she was judging the host and trying to make up for their deficiencies. Whereas someone else, who generally isn't like that, might be seen more charitably as well-intentioned and people wouldn't mind.

How about that story from the old forum about the guy who brought a gigantic, bright yellow, partially-eaten Minions cake to someone's Mexican-themed party, and set it right on the food table? I find that so hilarious every time I think about it.

Offline lowspark

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2019, 01:04:16 pm »
That's interesting about the cans of Pepsi idea. What if, instead of several cans, he brought a 2-liter bottle? That's a sort of way of saying, I brought what I like to drink (because I'm weird), and hey anyone else can share if they want, without it being sort of obvious that he purposely brought more than he could drink, IYKWIM.

In fact, I do not drink carbonated beverages at all and have quit supplying them to my guests because I simply can't buy every possible flavor that everyone might want. If you buy Sprite and Diet Coke, inevitably someone asks for Diet Sprite. So next time you buy all three and the Diet Sprite goes unopened. Ugh.

Now, instead, I just tell people I'll have water, iced tea, and wine, and if they need something else to bring it. However!! Here's where the inadequate hosting comes in. Joe is drinking his can of Diet Pepsi and Mary asks me can she have one. Well... they're not mine. They're Joe's. I (bad host!) did not supply Diet Pepsi for my guests.

In reality, it's not a huge deal. After all I do always supply water and wine at minimum, and I can whip up some iced tea in ~5 minues, and I do generally let people know what I'm supplying so that they can plan accordingly. But you know, interesting discussion!

Back to my original question, when people first started coming to my house with their water bottles, it did get on my nerves a bit. Mostly because, I like to serve people with my pretty dishes and glasses, so I'd rather not see a plastic bottle plopped on the table among my crystal goblets. And after all, water is water, right?

But I've WAY gotten over that.

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Do people have stories about someone bringing food to a party, and they really thought they were commenting on the host's inadequacy?
That is the $64,000 question.
And if the answer is yes, then it's really all about the relationship between the host and the someone.

And yes, I do remember that story about the cake. LOL!
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Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2019, 03:51:46 pm »
I can see how, the first time someone shows up with their own water bottle, that would kind of be a huh? moment. But after a while, you see more people doing it, and you realize it's just part of a trend to carry these reusable water bottles everywhere. And then I think you realize it's not about YOU, or about the first person you saw, but just a general societal thing, and it becomes less of a big deal. That doesn't mean one shouldn't have ANY standards, of course, just that I always feel a lot better when I realize something is part of a larger trend, and nothing to do with a comment on myself.

I think there was a recent thread somewhere about bringing your own silverware to someone's house, so you wouldn't have to use disposable ones they might provide? As an environmental thing, not because plastics are sometimes hard to use. I also just read an article in The New Yorker about the zero-waste movement and how some people carry their own silverware with them everywhere (which was also a thing in the Middle Ages, because silverware was so expensive you couldn't expect your host to supply it). I haven't noticed that catching on as a general trend as yet, and I can see how it would be weird or even insulting to a host, especially at first. But to me it says way more about the bringer's own values and even quirks, as long as they leave it at that and don't go into lecture mode.

Offline lowspark

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2019, 09:17:07 am »
I think there was a recent thread somewhere about bringing your own silverware to someone's house, so you wouldn't have to use disposable ones they might provide? As an environmental thing, not because plastics are sometimes hard to use. I also just read an article in The New Yorker about the zero-waste movement and how some people carry their own silverware with them everywhere (which was also a thing in the Middle Ages, because silverware was so expensive you couldn't expect your host to supply it). I haven't noticed that catching on as a general trend as yet, and I can see how it would be weird or even insulting to a host, especially at first. But to me it says way more about the bringer's own values and even quirks, as long as they leave it at that and don't go into lecture mode.

Oh boy. I would never do this. Great way to lose your utensils. I even quit bringing a serving utensil to other people's houses in a pot luck situation where I'm bringing a dish. Why? Because inevitably during clean up people remove the serving utensil from the dish and put it in the sink... even though there is still food remaining in the dish!    ???

I simply do not understand that but there it is. At the end of the evening, I pack up the remainder of my dish to take it home, not thinking about the fact that the serving spoon I brought is no longer there. Mostly, I've been able to recover my equipment, but not always, and even then, it's a pain both for the host to remember to return it to me and for me to remember to ask.  ::)

So now, imagine bringing my own fork/knife/spoon to someone's house? Might as well just say goodbye to it now. And if people bring to my house? I really don't care, but if they are going to expect me to have to match up all the left-behind silverware with who brought what... well, I'm not going to be all that thrilled to add that job to my list of hosting duties.

So yeah. I vote thumbs down on this idea.
(Bah humbug!) Sorry for the rant!  ;D
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Offline lmnop

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2019, 12:12:15 pm »
My cousin and her husband have gone very close to zero waste. I may have mentioned them before. There is definitely an obnoxious way to do it. They're not. But, if we're having a big family function with disposable plates and cutlery, they will bring their own. They're pretty discrete about it and when they're done, it gets packed up and taken home. A host would never find themselves washing their dishes.

People who are serious about zero waste are pretty consistent with this type of behaviour in my experience so I don't think you'd have to worry.

Offline Lynn2000

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2019, 01:26:29 pm »
Unfortunately, you often get dilettantes who are just following some trend temporarily, who don't take it seriously enough to be really considerate and mindful, and it seems like usually they're the ones who make the biggest stink about a mix-up. ::) Hopefully they are someone you can easily drop from your guest list, though!

Offline HenrysMom

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Re: Bringing unsharable consumables to someone's home
« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2019, 03:47:02 am »
Because I consume mass quantities of Diet Coke in certain situations, I always try to bring at least a 6– or 12-pack to someone’s house.  I did that once to a friend’s party and she took offense.  I told her that I didn’t want to exhaust her supply because of my bad habit.  After she saw how many cans I pounded down (it was summer), she got over her mad. 

As far as serving utensils and containers go, that’s what the 99-cent store is for.  That way, I never have to concern myself with losing anything of value, because it’s a pain to lose one’s good stuff.