Polite Paradise

It turns out one of my friends and a family member are both getting married on the same day!

My friend sent her invite out ages ago and I immediately RSVP'd yes. Then, much closer to the date I heard a rumor that family member's date is going to be the same day. The invite hasn't arrived yet but it is on it's way. The wedding came up in conversation with other family members recently and I said that I couldn't believe it but I had another wedding that I had already RSVP'd. The way I see it, it's a no brainer, I can't rescind an RSVP! Everyone started proclaiming that I simply can't miss the family wedding, and it's ok to rescind because the friend would understand.  One person did say but what if it was your sister or you were a bridesmaid, then would you? I feel like in that situation, there would be discussion around the date before it was set in stone and I could flag that I was unavailable that day.

I was really shocked because the people that were saying it are generally not rude so it really took me back. I really feel like there is absolutely NO way you can rescind an RSVP for another similar event, but what are your thoughts?

This happened to my SIL and she and her partner split the weddings - one went to each - which could be a solution?   But otherwise I’m in agreement with MariaE - if it is a close friend don’t change the RSVP.  Another family member of mine got married at really short notice- about a month if I recall - and she said that date was their choice and she knew she would probably miss out on having people there she cared about but they knew that setting the date.

I think there are situations in which you could rescind an RSVP with a minimum of fallout. If it were far enough ahead of the weddings that a final count had not yet been given to the reception hall, then a change in plans would have less impact. So...a month out versus a week out. Also, if a close family member decided to get married on the same day as for example a coworker's wedding (to whom I was not very close), I would probably do it. I would also be sure to send a nice gift, that has a way of mitigating hard feelings as well. I think it is not technically proper to rescind a commitment like that, but life is certainly more complicated than blanket rules can account for.

I had something similar happen to me. I had a cousin get married and she didn't send out StD or invites, just word of mouth for the date. My best friend got married and I was the MoH. I didn't get an invite to my cousin's wedding until AFTER I committed to my friend's wedding and the date... My family was less than thrilled, but I'm not close to my cousin, so I just said "Sorry, I'm already neck deep in $$ for MoH now, I'm not going to cancel."

I think that either person should be understanding, and you should decide which wedding you'd rather go to. I mean, it sucks, but if you're close to the family member and would rather be there, I think this is a case where it would be a little bit ok to break an RSVP, as long as you do it quickly so that the B&G can change plans if they need to.

First of all, if there's no actual invite yet, don't even worry about it.  I'm giving some serious side-eye to your relatives who are giving you agita and trying to make you "choose sides" about a *possible* date conflict based on a rumor.

Even more side-eye that they are trying to make you rank your relationship with this bride in comparison with siblings. So it's not just a loyalty test of friends vs family, but comparison among family members?

Sorry, but your relatives kinda suck.

If the family invite materializes in a reasonable notice period (as pp said, a month out, not a  week out), and if you personally feel that attending the family wedding is more important *to you* than the friend wedding, then I think your friend would probably understand.

If it's too close or you just don't want to change, then you unfortunately have a prior commitment and you do *not* need to explain what it is. Honestly, if your relative is getting invites out on very short notice, they can't expect everyone to make it. People book trips. And surgery. And all kinds of things. It's just life.

We had something like this happen, except two family weddings (my dad and my husband's cousin who was his best man). Like you, I only heard about one (my dad's) date through the grapevine.

We thought about splitting up for the day (but didn't love that option) Ultimately, my husband's cousin had actually booked a venue and my dad hadn't... so I told my dad we wouldn't be able to make it because he hadn't checked... And he moved the date.

Obviously, depending on how close to this relative you are, they may not change the date... but I think you should stand by the first RSVP