Polite Paradise

It's always odd to me to hear that people--and it seems like most people--gift their nieces and nephews. My family never did. It apparently started with my parents' generation when I was born. (I was the first grandchild or child of my generation.) My mother and her sister and brother and my father and his sister all decided that they would not gift each other's children regardless of how few or many there turned out to be; I believe it was probably due to financial considerations but am not sure. So I grew up seeing as traditional no gifts between aunts/uncles and nieces/nephews. It was so normal to me that I was astounded decades later to discover how many other families did it differently. I have only on occasion gifted my niece (though my sister was very insulted by this at first). This year she is getting a (requested) nice basting brush for $10, about one-third of what I am spending on my siblings. (I will buy nothing for my mom who is bed bound since her greatest gift is to see her children in person; she'll get that but not on Christmas Day.)

My two grandmothers were different. One was on a budget so gifts to us were probably one apiece and financially frugal. No one knew; we loved them. The other, my mom's mother, was different. She didn't really have a budget; I'd probably call her well off, maybe a bit wealthy. I do remember one Christmas when I was 13 or 14. I had begun to question Catholicism, the religion I was brought up in. It was also the time when the Beatles had come out and the music and society were changing and becoming the "60s" and the division between the up-and-coming generation and the older ones was intense and difficult. This particular Christmas, we opened gifts at home and then went to her house as usual. (My dad was still drinking at the time so there was familial resentment and undercurrents to add to the unspoken drama.) I had been her favorite grandchild but my beginning changes were so awful to her that she went completely the other way and made sure I knew how much she now resented me. Every child but me got a lot of gifts. This was especially true for her other daughter's children who each got about $200 worth of gifts. I got a card with a $20 bill in it. I said thank you to her but I was so unbelievably hurt I don't know how I hid my sobs. I did, though. But I have never forgotten it, and I sometimes wondered over the years how much it contributed to my lifelong VERY strong sense of fair play.

My parents used to give us lots of gifts. By that I mean it wasn't overboard but there were, if I can remember, probably on average ten or twelve, less if one or two expensive ones were in the mix. There were always stockings, which invariably had an orange in the toe and nuts in the shell to be **** open later. The stockings always held these funny but very useful items like a tiny flashlight for your keys and so on. That has morphed for me into making sure the stockings I give hold the orange, the nuts and practical items I can get at the dollar store like bandaids, emery boards, soaps, toothbrushes, and so on.

As adults, especially in the last ten years, we "children" stick to one gift each to each other. I have set my limit at $30 per person and back in September I asked others for their lists. I prefer to give what they want since it's my opinion that gifts should make the recipient happy. So one sister has a gift card to JCPenny's, one has a requested immersion blender, my brother has a nice potato ricer (and maybe something else), and I am giving my boss some homemade flavored butters. My siblings will likely get small stocking stuffers was well, using attractive inexpensive stockings from the thrift store (since I don't want to give away my nice vintage ones). I'm not sure the cats will get a stocking as they already have toys galore but we'll see. I have two very close friends I gift too. Last year they got gifts that totaled about $50 each. I wanted to spend that much but this year it is dropping to $25-$30 each and they will definitely get what they want (lavender-scented lotion for one and a selection of uncommon black teas for the other).

One thing I am particularly excited about is that my cats are shopping for me! (Alas, they seem to be using my credit card.) I have gifts waiting to go under the tree. All in all, it's shaping up to be a nice Christmas. I like the way it worked out since I get to get everyone a gift without feeling like I've given too much or spent too much.   


 

When I and my cousins were small children, gifts were given by everyone to everyone at the extended family Christmas. So, like, my mom and I would be shopping for gifts for all her nieces and nephews (my cousins), her siblings and their spouses, and her parents. Then we did the same for my dad's side. It was a lot of THINGS but I don't remember it being financially onerous--we would get everyone in the same group the same thing, like all the girl cousins got a sweatshirt of the same style but in different colors. It was when scented bath and lotion sets were becoming a big thing and that was great to give, because we didn't actually know people that well.

You might wonder why we didn't ask for a list. I can't explain why, but it just wasn't the done thing. At best you could ask about clothing sizes or if a small child was interested in anything in particular. So there were a lot of gifts to buy, wrap, transport, and then open, which was festive, but then you ended up with a lot of stuff you didn't really want and had to get rid of later. Probably a good exercise for a child in politely thanking people for a gift you didn't want.

As the cousins of my generation got older, this morphed into drawing names, which was done at Thanksgiving. Like I would have to get a gift for Cousin Mike, and Cousin Sue would be getting one for me.

Gradually this faded away on both sides of my family. I think it was because the family was getting more geographically (and emotionally) distant as the cousins grew up and had families of their own. We all couldn't get together for any holiday and it seemed silly to be buying gifts for someone you didn't know well, and then having to ship them because you wouldn't see them in person ever.

Now both sides have a pretty laid-back approach to gifts. On my mom's side, people still usually get gifts for my grandma, and she might give everyone a little something, perhaps just some cash or a gift card. If there are small children present, there might be gifts for them from some, but not all, relatives--like only whoever thinks of doing it independently, not planned as a group. One year our extended family gathering coincided with the nuclear family gathering for my uncle and his four adult children, so they all had gifts from their father to unwrap, while the rest of us didn't have anything. This is totally fine with us and I think other people are grateful they don't have to guess at buying gifts, or take home stuff they don't want.

On my dad's side, the decision was made many years ago to have "no gifts," but certain people always break that rule, which irritates my mom because she thinks it makes her/my dad look cheap or ungenerous or whatever, when in fact we're just abiding by what the family officially decided. There are usually gifts for small children (my cousins' kids) and one aunt & uncle will usually have a small gift for me and my parents, like one of those "cookie mixes in a jar" or a notice about a charitable donation on our behalf.

So when it comes to my extended family I just don't worry about gifts at all, and if I receive something I just say thank you politely and maybe write them a TY note later. I figure if anyone is mad about not getting a gift in return, they should stop giving gifts to me, and then we will both be content.

I personally only buy gifts for my parents now. For a while there were 3-4 friends I would get gifts for, but that waned over the years as we became more distant or it otherwise just didn't seem necessary. In Love Language terms I am almost 100% gift-focused--I find gifts to be extremely meaningful and affecting. Which is probably why I don't give them to many people, because I don't feel strongly about anyone except my parents. I love wish lists, both of my own desires and from other people.

I do think it's fun to pick out and give gifts, but nowadays I want some indication of what is desired so I don't throw my money away giving someone more junk they don't care about--yet I find that a lot of people are very reticent about saying what they want. I think for some it's modesty/manners, like they think it would be tacky to say, "I would like X" even though I AM ASKING WHAT THEY WANT SO STOP DANCING AROUND. And for others I think it's... is it a power or control thing? Like they think I should just KNOW what they want, even if we've barely spoken for years, and it's part of the "test" or the value of the gift if I make a guess and get it right (which of course is extremely unlikely). Like people who turn their noses up at gift cards--then frickin' TELL ME WHAT OBJECT YOU WANT, because obviously you want SOMETHING, and since I'm not psychic I'd rather give you a gift card than randomly choose an object that you have to either return or dump.

My family:  My Dad, my brother, my two nephews.  The youngest three all have girlfriends now so they have also been added.  And I now have a husband to buy for.

My husband's family:  His Mom and Dad, his brother and SIL, his three nephews and one niece and her fiance and now their little one; his daughter and her husband.

Friends:  My husband has 4-6 people he buys for, in the $25 range.  I buy for friends' kids, if I'm going to see them over the holidays.  And I give a lot of tins of cookies to various people.  The mail carrier, the neighbours, my house cleaner, my massage therapist, my physiotherapist - if I see them in December, after the cookies get made.

We usually exchange gifts with our parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, and of course our kids. We have four kids, so one thing we did start doing this year to cut down on the sheer volume of presents, was have our kids give joint gifts to each other. So instead of each kid getting three presents, one from each sibling, they instead got one present from their three siblings together. So much less of a headache, I don't know why we didn't start doing this earlier.

With our parents, we usually send two gifts- one from us, and one from the kids, although the one from the kids is usually something small, often a little craft they've done, or something that they can do with their grandparents (last year, the kids made little lavender sachets for their grandmas; this year, their out-of-state grandma got homemade potpourri and their local grandma got a kit for her and the kids to make dog biscuits together for her dog. Grandpa got brandied mince tarts that the kids helped me make. Simple things like that). With siblings, we usually get a gift for them from all of us and then gifts for nieces/nephews from all of us and they do the same.