Author Topic: Hosting Christmas and the brother who always cancels last-minute  (Read 418 times)

Offline Sweet Jane

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Hosting Christmas and the brother who always cancels last-minute
« on: September 26, 2018, 11:39:04 am »
I live a couple hours' drive from my brother and sisters. Until I got married, I would drive down to them for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year.  Once I got married, we started alternating Christmas between my family and my in-laws (who live a plane ride away). On years I spent Christmas with the in-laws, I'd drive down for a pre-Christmas celebration with my siblings.

Once my daughter was born, I decided that I wanted her to enjoy Christmas at home on the years that we don't go to the in-laws. (I'm the only one of my siblings with a child.) So I suggested, after many years of me doing all the driving, that the siblings could come up every other Christmas.  We still drive down for Thanksgiving every year, and we drive down for the pre-Christmas lunch on years I spend Christmas with my in-laws.

But for the past two times I hosted Christmas, brother canceled on Christmas morning.  One year he said he was too sick to get out of bed, the next time he said his wife was. But both times he ended up posting pictures on Facebook showing the two of them spending Christmas with their friends and not looking sick - one time he even hosted, and the meal looked pretty elaborate for a guy who woke up too sick to get out of bed.

I get it, they'd rather spend Christmas with their friends.  And if that's where they want to be, great! But I'd rather not go to the trouble of prepping the extra food if they're not going to be here (they have dietary restrictions that mean that I have to prepare an extra main dish for them as well as alter some of my favorite recipes so that they can have something to eat).

Is there a polite way I can tell them that if they want to get together for Christmas, we're open to driving down for a pre-Christmas lunch but that I do not want them to come on Christmas day?

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Offline gramma dishes

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Both years he blatantly lied to you and then was not even embarrassed enough to avoid posting pictures of his real activities on media. 

I personally would not be unfriendly toward him, but I also would not invite him again.  He has made it clear that you are not high on his list of priorities.
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Offline STiG

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I would invite him, assume he wasn't going to show and not bother making the changes to the dishes.  I'd have something they could eat that I could pull out of the freezer, if they should happen to show.

Offline Crispycritter

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I would go with the pre-holiday get together and say that you aren't up to a Christmas day dinner this year.  That way you don't have to wonder if they will come, put in extra effort, or be disappointed. 

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I would invite him, assume he wasn't going to show and not bother making the changes to the dishes.  I'd have something they could eat that I could pull out of the freezer, if they should happen to show.

This is what I would do.

Offline Lynn2000

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I would invite him, assume he wasn't going to show and not bother making the changes to the dishes.  I'd have something they could eat that I could pull out of the freezer, if they should happen to show.

This is what I would do.

Agreed, I would start with this. If you enjoy hosting otherwise, have one or two dishes on the side/in the freezer that could give him and his wife an adequate meal, then make the rest how you like. People with dietary restrictions (like me) who are reasonable, know not to expect a major spread of special food made by someone else who is also trying to accommodate many other people. At extended family Thanksgiving, for example, I usually just eat some turkey and a roll, and I bring my own food bars to eat later if I need to. I don't expect anyone to change or give up their casseroles, soups, butter-covered veggies, and desserts just for me.

An alternative is to suggest a potluck where everyone brings food. If Brother came, you would expect him to bring something he himself could eat. I don't know what his restrictions are, but perhaps you could also provide something which is a food everyone likes, but also happens to meet his restrictions. That way he'd have at least two things to eat, if he came, and you wouldn't have gone out of your way to accommodate him if he doesn't show up.

So, that would take care of your irritation at making things special for him, only to have him cancel. But, it sounds like there is a second source of irritation, where you suspect he is lying about the reason for cancelling--sudden illness is a valid reason for cancelling, but if he knew in advance he just didn't want to attend, he could have said that and you wouldn't have gone to any trouble for him in the first place.

I don't understand why he would lie--is there some special pressure, perhaps from a parent, insisting everyone say they are getting together for Christmas? I think it's commonly understood that people have different obligations at the holidays and if he had just said, "Actually we're hosting a meal for some friends this year," I don't see why anyone would be upset about that or give him grief about it.

Also, to call out sick from your party, and then post photos freely on Facebook of another party he attended instead, is just about the height of dumbness. Is that how he normally is? Is it at all possible that the photos were taken earlier, and just posted on Christmas Day? Again, is there someone else--maybe an older parent who doesn't get on Facebook--that he's kind of hiding from? How does he act during the other get-togethers at the holidays?

If he says he will attend your party, then cancels that morning due to "illness" and posts evidence that he was actually fine and attending, even hosting, a party for others--yeah, that's extremely rude, childish, and hurtful in a way that's completely unnecessary. I'm just wondering if that's really what is happening, if that's consistent with the kind of person he is, or not. If he really is acting that way, because that's just how he is, I'd probably stop inviting him to anything again.

Offline Sweet Jane

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Lynn2000, there's no parental pressure - our parents passed away many years ago.

I think it comes down to my brother not wanting to make the drive to see me.  (And it's specifically the drive to see *me* because one of his best friends lives a couple miles from me and he has no problem coming up to see him multiple times per year. If I hear, "I was in your neighborhood but I just didn't have time to stop" one more time....)

There's a family dynamic at play:  growing up, my mom would always prioritize his desires over mine, so when dealing with the FOO he's used to always getting his way.  (Shortly before her death my mom apologized to me for favoring my brother but said that it was easy to say no to me because I'd just accept it, but when she said no to him he'd cry and be sullen and she wanted to avoid that.) Our family had always met near where brother lives because that's what he wanted and I was the first person to challenge that when DD was born and I decided I wanted her to spend the holiday at home instead of in the car.

(Brother has cancelled on other things - he was a no-show at my wedding, and when his wife volunteered to cohost my baby shower, she almost didn't come because he decided at the last minute that he didn't want to drive up and they only had one car at that time.)

I've never been one to demand that my siblings come up - one of them rarely does, but she's always been clear about it so I never have a problem.  But sometimes it feels like brother is trying to assert his dominance or something.

guest348

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....snip

 But sometimes it feels like brother is trying to assert his dominance or something.

Yes, this is what he is doing. It's all about him. If it was me, I would not invite him. Then if he asks why he wasn't invited, call him out on his past behaviour - " you were invited the past two years, said you couldn't come because of (reasons), but later I saw on Facebook (or where ever) that you had a fine time doing (whatever). It seems you don't want to come, so there was no point in extending an invitation. If you decide to come, be sure to bring something you are able to eat because I don't have time to prepare food for people that say they're coming and then don't show up."
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Offline Crispycritter

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....snip

 But sometimes it feels like brother is trying to assert his dominance or something.

Yes, this is what he is doing. It's all about him. If it was me, I would not invite him. Then if he asks why he wasn't invited, call him out on his past behaviour - " you were invited the past two years, said you couldn't come because of (reasons), but later I saw on Facebook (or where ever) that you had a fine time doing (whatever). It seems you don't want to come, so there was no point in extending an invitation. If you decide to come, be sure to bring something you are able to eat because I don't have time to prepare food for people that say they're coming and then don't show up."

Yep, and isn't it a bit stressful waiting, preparing & wondering?  Like Charlie Brown kicking the football, but Lucy always pulls it away.  I actually would only say the reason in my head, because it would be easier for me to just not get into it.   You do what is best for you, and maybe he will re-think his actions.

Offline Lynn2000

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Given the additional info, I would say, yup, Bro is being rude, childish, and hurtful. Not someone you need to have in your life. If you want to keep the door open, go ahead and issue the invitation to him per usual, but don't do a single thing in preparation of him actually coming, including setting a place for him and wife. Just assume they won't show up. If, by chance, they do, I'm sure it won't be hard to find a place for them to sit, and something to eat. But I wouldn't take one step out of your way for them. (I would say, do keep inviting him, because if you don't, he may be on the look-out for that, and use it as an excuse to have a hissy-fit or whatever he does.)

He can only control you and assert his dominance if you actually change things based on what he says and does--like if you run around getting things ready for him, and then he doesn't show up. If you just ignore him and focus on the people who are straight with you, he will take up much less of your headspace and energy.
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Offline MrTango

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I'd just stop inviting him.  He'll probably be relieved that he doesn't have to make an excuse...
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Offline lowspark

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I'd just stop inviting him.  He'll probably be relieved that he doesn't have to make an excuse...

This.

I started out thinking, hey, it's your brother, not some stranger. Just have a chat with him and come to terms. But upon further reflection, and in light of your update, I'd just do the easiest thing on your end, which is to just quit inviting him.

I have a pretty good idea that if he wanted to come over, he'd have no trouble inviting himself.
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