Polite Paradise

There was no apology or explanation, which is part of what has me still bothered by this.

This was a Pagan/Jewish wedding. They had the kuppa and the glass breaking and Hebrew prayers, but they also had a handfasting and other Pagan traditions. Part of me really wants to reach out to my Pagan and Jewish friends on Facebook and ask if this setting the time an hour before the actual ceremony is a Pagan thing or a Jewish thing. But I'm afraid that, no matter how tightly I lock down the post to only those specific people, word will get back to the bride or groom. There is lots of overlap in our various communities. And I definitely don't want to ask or complain to the HC directly.

I overheard a couple of the other earlybird guests speculating that the time was given as an hour early because the groom is one of those chronically late people and this was a way to ensure he got there on time. I doubt that is the case, though, as the HC spent the entire day at the venue -- bride posted about the breakfast she had there.

Here's an article https://adgcommunications.com/association-buzz/22-conflicts-of-interest-and-the-60-minutes-test on conflict of interest. It's directed at trade associations and similar nonprofit organizations but could apply to religious organizations as well. Basically it says that awarding a job or contract or whatever to a "connected" person or company is not necessarily a conflict of interest if (a) the person or company is the best qualified, (b) there is a paper trail proving this and (c) the individual who stands to benefit (e.g., the awardee's relative) recuses him/herself from voting on the decision.

As for announcing the reasons for a person's firing in public as was done with Carla, that's just all kinds of wrong. If they were arrested/convicted for a criminal act, that's public record, and the congregation has a right to know if Carla was embezzling church funds or molesting kids or other illegal behavior. But that isn't the case here. Word would probably have gotten out about why Carla was fired, because people talk, but the official public announcement thing ... just no.

Speaking of bins and accents: Years ago I read a story online -- can't remember where -- in which a woman in England was on the phone trying to arrange trash pickup service. The person she was talking to had an accent, and it took her a while to figure out that he wasn't offering her "great sex." (He was saying "gray sacks.")

I'm in a weird situation as I share electronics with my downstairs neighbors, who were my friends for many years before they became my neighbors. They gave me, on their own initiative without me asking, a Roku box for my TV (which was also a hand-me-down from them) and an Amazon Echo, both tied to their accounts. I have never had to input a password for either one. They also gave me a laptop to use when my computer died two years ago. I'm still using it; in fact, I'm typing this on it. I pay for my own wifi. When Mr. Neighbor's Microsoft Office license expired, he renewed it so I could continue to use it on this computer, and I paid him for it. (They no longer need Office, but I do.) If they decided tomorrow that they also wanted me to chip in for a share of the Roku or Echo costs, I would gladly do so.

I wouldn't dream of sharing my (gifted) Netflix or Echo access info with anyone who didn't actually live here, even if I had the passwords. But I guess that is enough of a Thing these days that I've heard comedians joke about all the people who watch Netflix without paying for it.

As for the kids/no kids scenario, it sounds as if he really doesn't want kids but he also doesn't want to lose her, so he's stringing her along with "maybe." There comes a time when the statute of limitations expires on "maybe." I'm not a fan of giving a SO an ultimatum, but she has to decide before it is too late whether this is a deal breaker. I'm old enough to have stopped believing in the Soulmate/One True Love of My Life thing. If she desperately wants kids, and he doesn't, she needs to go find another One True Love who wants them as much as she does -- this dude isn't the one. And for heaven's sake, I hope she doesn't even think about deliberately getting pregnant in hopes he'll change his mind.

Side note: When I was married, my husband and I were militantly anti-parenthood. We couldn't stand the little buggers. When we'd go to a restaurant and they'd ask, "Smoking or nonsmoking?" (remember those days?), we'd say, "Either one as long as there are no screaming kids." After we split up, he fell in love with a woman who had two daughters (one about 8, the other about 14), and she got pregnant. He vowed to respect whatever choice she made, and she chose to keep it. I remember thinking, "M is going to change diapers? He won't even clean the cat box!"

Twenty-five years later, he's a grandpa three times over (two from the stepdaughters and one from the son they had together) and couldn't be happier. So yes, people do change -- but I wouldn't advise anyone to bank on that.

I was about 13 when this happened. My cousin Mike was about the same age and in that eat-everything-that-isn't-nailed-down growth phase, and took his share of ribbing about it. He also gave back as good as he got.

My mom and my aunt were having a conversation about I can't remember what, when Mike chimed in on the subject from the next room.

Mom: "Ah, another country heard from!"

Me: "Yeah, Hungary!"

I've had a few more since then, but I'm especially proud of that one.

I've never thought much about where flowers go after a funeral. When my grandfather died, there were arrangements with ribbons that said "Dad" or "Uncle" or "Grampie," and they went to the cemetery to decorate the grave after the burial. I remember my father asking me if I wanted the "Grampie" ribbon. I didn't. Same thing when my father died; the flowers went to the cemetery.

As a teen I worked in a nursing home, and I remember walking into a patient's room and asking, "Oh, where did these flowers come from?" or something like that. The patient, a youngish man paralyzed by polio who was a bit of a smartass, said, "What you should be asking is, 'Who died?'" That was my first indication that sometimes funeral flowers are donated to cheer up nursing home residents.

The idea of giving flowers back to the person who bought/sent them is foreign to me. Flowers are a gift; it would never occur to me that someone would ask me to take back the flowers I gave or sent to a funeral.

The following is just my own opinion and experience and I'm not criticizing anyone who feels differently.

There are certain life events that I agree are a "must attend for a friend" kind of things. Weddings, ceremonies associated with the birth of a baby and funerals definitely fall into that category for me.

However, graduation ceremonies do not. I go to my own kids' and nieces' and nephews' if I'm invited. But anyone other than that? Probably not. Now, that's not to say I wouldn't go to the party! But to sit through 2+ excruciating hours of names being called, just to witness the 15 seconds of one person crossing the stage? I think that's a lot to ask of a friend.

I don't think I've ever actually been invited to the commencement ceremony for anyone other than people I'm related to. I'd certainly send a gift, but those ceremonies can be torture!

I agree. Weddings, funerals, christenings ... these are all big events that I will gladly attend.

But graduations? Unless I am particularly close to the graduate, I don't think it's a deal breaker to not attend. I'll go to the party, if there is one, because, heck, any excuse for a party! And I will bring a gift for the grad. But any friend who is put out because I won't attend the graduation of his/her child, and chooses to end the friendship because of that, is not much of a friend, IMO.

Luckily, this hasn't come up much in my world, because grads are only given a limited number of tickets to the ceremony, and usually those are just enough for parents, siblings and maybe grandparents.