Polite Paradise

My late father was insistent nearly up until he died in 2012 that the best (only?) way to get a job was to personally go in. He was completely flummoxed when ads for jobs required you to fax your resume to a number that couldn't be traced to the company. He would have never gotten online applications. But personal visits worked when he was looking and beginning in about in 1945, just after he got out of the Navy, it was the best way. He got his first adult job at AT&T and spent his entire career there until the day it was broken up in, I believe, 1986.

I can't even remember now and it was 2012 when my dad died. I think there was a large arrangement and some flowers as well but I have no idea what happened to them. And I didn't care. Neither did my mom. The loss was pretty severe, though expected, and who took flowers or arrangements was just not on anyone's list of of things to think about.

What a wonderful story!

Nowhere near as dramatic is something I think I'm doing. In November 2017 and due to a re-org at work I was transferred to a new supervisor at a different satellite campus. What I dreaded has turned out to be the MOST WONDERFUL and INCREDIBLE professional situation I have ever been in. Here's the thing; I know from him that it has been the same surprisingly wonderful thing for my co-workers over here as well. I guess a reputation of "being difficult" preceded me, thanks in no small part to a very difficult and nasty supervisor and dean at the old place. But in the year + that I have been here I have developed a reputation of incredible kindness and helpfulness and amazing smarts at so much that I have become the most popular person here. I don't much care about the popularity but it is a truly warm feeling to know that just being able to be "me" with the best boss in the world has made such a difference to so many, those here but also those with whom I interact on the main campus. I really like being able to make such a positive difference.

Your post made me think of what happened when my father died in 2012. I don't think he had any flowers or plants. He had been a much-beloved member of his AA group for 44.5 years, and we filled the chapel with them. None of those men brought flowers and I do not recall any family member having any. I didn't think about it at the time, but it would have been a pain to have to deal with them or even make decisions about them. We also would not have wanted any monetary donations--AA doesn't take outside ones, at least his group didn't--because it was a memorial for all of us and all we needed was each other. Anything else would not have been appreciated though if it had happened it would have been acknowledged with warmth.

I hope it comes alive after Christmas too. This is a truly good place--and surely the holidays are full of potential etiquette issues.

So I'd write something like: "Merry Christmas. I hope that despite everything, you have a lovely holiday season and a good start into the new year. May it be a much better one for all of us", and then go off into some more individual positive thoughts.

I agree with this but would word it slightly differently as "I am thinking of you this year and hope that despite everything you have a lovely holiday season and a good start into the new year." Then go on to add any other thoughts you have.

Interesting how things come around, isn't it? It seems like a cruel thing and yet . . . it might just provoke her into realizing that her own behavior might do with some re-examination. I truly hope she is able to get past the hurt and learn from this.

I think Marley hit it on the head (better than I did). It was because it was an official funeral. Gritted teeth politeness should have been observed. People watch these things and often take their own private political behavior from the current leaders. Look at how nasty many people are when "discussing" their personal political beliefs. (Not that the hostility didn't exist earlier; it certainly did and probably in no less a way. It was just that in public, especially when at a state event, decorum should be displayed. It sets a standard that says that however much we disagree we can temporarily put that aside, at least publicly, for the sake of this important event.