Author Topic: How to define something...  (Read 740 times)

Offline gorplady

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How to define something...
« on: May 24, 2018, 12:42:27 pm »
So, for the past 6 years, I have been a single parent, since my kids' dad and I split up. (He is involved, but the majority of everything falls on my shoulders.)

Now, I'm seriously seeing someone. As in, this will likely become a permanent relationship. The kids love him, too.

So I'm struggling with the term "single parent." I am a single parent, but I'm not *single.*

But yet my partner is not their dad. So I'm technically still a single parent, but it still feels weird to say that.

Any thoughts?

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Offline Jem

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2018, 12:50:16 pm »
I think it depends the context of the “definition.” For a casual conversation with a stranger or mere acquaintance I think you can gloss over the specifics. For those close to you, they already know the specifics so no definition is really needed. It’s that “in between” level of closeness that is tricky.

I think you can decide how to describe your situation however you want. It would probably be good to be thoughtful of how other people in your kids’ lives feel about it. So if it were me, I wouldn’t lead people to believe your SO is your kids’ father, but I also wouldn’t “correct” a random person I am not likely to see again if they complemented “mom and dad” meaning you and your SO.

And exciting on the relationship being permanent! I am happy for you!

Offline BeatriceC

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2018, 12:54:31 pm »
At a certain point, we just started calling MrC my kids' stepfather.  He plays the role.  He's active in all aspects of their lives.  They love him. We're just not legally married.  And as far as the general public was concerned, that didn't matter. 

You get to define things however is most comfortable for you. 
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Offline lowspark

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2018, 12:59:40 pm »
Why do you need any kind of label other than "parent" or "mom" or whatever. Does it need to be quailed or justified?

I was a single parent for a few years and then married to another man who was then my kids' stepfather. I don't remember ever referring myself as anything other than a/their mother.
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Offline Loveandmoonsaults

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2018, 01:03:10 pm »
An old friend of mine had a mother who never married her "stepfather", they even broke up after about a decade but he was very much her dad.

This is a personal choice for your family. If your partner is taking on dad responsibilities, talk to him about the title or what have you. Him and the kids are who need to agree with you here!

Offline MrTango

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2018, 02:02:12 pm »
Depending on your kids' age & maturity, it might be appropriate to have a conversation with them about this.  Do they want you to refer to him as their stepfather, or do they have another preference?

I also agree with Lowspark in questioning the need for any label other than the label(s) you choose for yourself.

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2018, 04:52:10 pm »
How are you defining single parent?  A parent that is not dating anyone or a parent that is raising children without their father?  I think of it as the latter.

If your boyfriend has stepped in and is helping you raise your children, then I agree classifying yourself as a single parent wouldn't be correct.  But, if he's not yet stepped into that role of father/supporter...if you are the one that takes responsibility for staying home when they are sick, finances and gets them to activities, makes all vital decisions about their schooling, house rules, medical care, etc, then you are still a single parent.

That said, I do agree with previous posters.  You don't necessarily have to define it.  Those that are close to you know your status with your children, their father and your boyfriend.  Others, like your boss and their teacher, etc, may need to see you as a 'single parent' for the purposes of expectation when it comes to you missing work to care for them, calling you for parent-teacher conferences/emergencies, etc.

Offline Felicia

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2018, 05:02:33 pm »
What are you trying to achieve? That people know that the father is involved or that you have assistance in your camp? 
If you want a label, how do you feel about “divorced parent”?

Offline Loveandmoonsaults

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2018, 05:19:12 pm »
Since their dad is involved, even though not to the full extent, you can also speak about having a two household family. I don't know the right word right now...

I always think of single parents as having no support from a bio parent or partner/spouse not the bio parent. A parent that is responsible for a child every minute and every decision.
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Offline Jem

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2018, 05:26:17 pm »
Since their dad is involved, even though not to the full extent, you can also speak about having a two household family. I don't know the right word right now...

I always think of single parents as having no support from a bio parent or partner/spouse not the bio parent. A parent that is responsible for a child every minute and every decision.

Yes, this is what I think of also when I hear someone say they are a “single parent.” I guess I never really thought about a definition, but even when I was no longer with my daughter’s father and “single” I didn’t consider myself a “single parent” but rather a “co-parent” with him. I don’t feel that changed now that I am remarried, and I don’t think of my daughter’s father as a “single parent” (he is not married). I bet a lot of people have differing views on how to “define” various sliding scales of relationships and situations. I think for a lot of people the definition doesn’t really ever come up, and when it does, it’s a case by case analysis.

Offline Morrigan

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2018, 05:54:17 pm »
To be honest, I don't think it's really that big of a deal unless it's for tax purposes (where you would need to say you aren't together). My mom was a single parent until I was 15, and it was always just 'Mom'. I call my step-dad 'dad', but he's been in my life since I was 12 (I'm 35 now).

I'd ask the kids what they wanted to call your partner. It could be mom and dad, mom and Bob, etc.

Offline Billia

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Re: How to define something...
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2018, 10:59:27 pm »
Add me to the people who don’t think a label is necessary here.

My mum would always refer to herself as a single parent and it was usually in lamenting how hard she had it alongside comments of doing it on her own. Truth was, dad was involved and it was really just a big look at me that used to do my head in. Not saying it isn’t hard but I wonder what the point is?

I’m not saying that is what you are doing but I guess I’m suggesting reflect on why you want a label?