Author Topic: When something's missing...how to explain it?  (Read 285 times)

Offline whiterose

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When something's missing...how to explain it?
« on: September 02, 2019, 02:22:23 pm »
I am bored and the hurricane derailed my weekend plans, so here is another "what if" scenario based on something that happened to me (though names and some details have been changed), as well as previous threads from the original site.

Jana was now on her third date with Kyle- and she was still not feeling any romantic chemistry. So she figured she would not be going out with him anymore- hey, some people give up after two dates. But at the end, Kyle declared his feelings for her- so Jana decided to keep trying. Kyle was her type, they had a lot in common, they got along great, and they were very compatible. Jana had not had the best of luck in romance- so she wondered if this glorified friendship may be able to meet her needs, even though it may not have been able to meet her wants.

So Jana kept dating Kyle- but her feelings did not change in either direction. She was not feeling a no- she was just not feeling a clear yes either, and she could not pinpoint out why. In all previous cases where lack of chemistry had been a problem, there was always something else- such as incompatibilities, or the timing being off. Kyle was Jana's type- but she was not attracted to him (although she was not repulsed by him either). They had a lot in common- but he did not intellectually stimulate her. They got along well- but she could not make an emotional romantic connection with him. They shared the same political, religious, moral, and ethical values- but she did not feel a spiritual bond with him. Kissing and holding hands with Kyle (and that is as far as they had gone- he respected her and shared her views in every way) did not make Jana's skin crawl- but it did not give her butterflies either. Jana would listen to love songs and wonder if she would ever feel that way for Kyle- or ever again. She was envious of friends who gushed about their romantic relationships- and wondered if this was as good as it would get for her.

A couple days after her fifth date with Kyle, Jana came across a chart of left and right brain traits. The list of left brain traits was an exact description of Kyle- and the list of right brain traits was everything Kyle was not! A lightbulb turned on inside Jana's mind- the lack of romantic chemistry was due to Kyle's lack of right brain traits!!! No wonder Jana could not connect with Kyle in any way. Even the lack of physical attraction could be explained by this- after all, the most important sexual organ is the brain. Jana realized this was why she was not feeling the same way for Kyle- and that she would never feel it, due to his being 100% left-brained. It did not prevent him from having a wonderful job, or from making and keeping friends- but Jana realized she was not the right woman for him.

For their sixth date- which was already scheduled- they would be going to the symphony. Since the concert hall was in between their houses, they would arrive separately and then go to the symphony, then later to a nearby cafe. Jana realized this gave her the perfect opportunity to end things with him in a public place.

But- how does Jana tell Kyle that it will not happen? After all, when he first declared his feelings for her, she had no clue why her feelings were not at that level- and in no way was she feeling a no, as in never. Since she never lied about her feelings, it was not leading him on. And they had only gone on five dates in the span of two months- and they were not referring to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend.

Should Jana tell Kyle that she needs somebody with more right brain traits? Should Jana focus on a specific right brain trait she does not have and say she needs someone who is really good with it? Should Jana simply say "I am not feeling it" or "I am not seeing any long term potential"- and given how left-brained Kyle is, he is likely to ask why and not simply take "I just don't". How should she word it without hurting his feelings? Jana had previously told her that he had done everything right and done nothing wrong, that there was nothing wrong with him, and that he was her type. But there is a big difference between something in his behavior (easily changed), his status (not so easy, but still changeable), and his essence (not changeable)- and his being so left-brained is definitely deep in Kyle's essence as a person. How should Jana word it?
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Offline cayenne

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Re: When something's missing...how to explain it?
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2019, 08:25:21 am »
I don't have any suggestions, but I think the left and right brain thing is very interesting. I wonder if most if not all of use choose our life partners unconsciously based on something like that. Opposites can compliment each other.
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Offline HenrysMom

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Re: When something's missing...how to explain it?
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2019, 09:06:32 pm »
I personally think that it’d be better to be quick and to the point about breaking it off, without any of that left- or right-brain stuff.  Just a “You’re a great guy, but I’m just not feeling any chemistry.  Have a good life” then leave. Don’t give him any openings for a “but, we’re so compatible” or any other arguments.  Don’t waste any more time on something that is just not going anywhere.
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