Polite Paradise

While I love diamonds more than any other gem, I don't think an engagement ring has to look like an engagement ring in order for it to be so. If the wearer of said ring says it's an engagement ring, it's an engagement ring. Who are we to say otherwise?

And I really don't understand your comment about donating the ring and he won't notice.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’d notice!

Ah, I feel bad for the guy.  She said no diamonds, no sapphires, no pink -- he probably thought she was hoping for something really nontraditional.  It's definitely too big for an everyday ring, but I don't see why amber was such a terrible choice -- it does seem like he was looking for the opposite of what she said no to (diamonds, pink, blue).

I am so glad I've never had to choose jewellery for someone else!  I would have no idea how to do it.

I think in her shoes I'd focus on how it's impractical for an engagement ring -- too big and would get scratched (I didn't know that about amber).

I'm not a fan of engagement rings myself, or the concept of expecting something specific *and* expecting the other person to get it right.  I think if she could go back in time, it would have been better to say "I'm picky about rings, so please don't get me an engagement ring" or "I'm picky about rings but I would like an engagement ring that we choose together."

I don’t feel bad for the guy. She suggested that they looked for the ring together as her preference and he didn’t want to do that. Then he didn’t do any research to try and get a good match when he knows she has a certain style. I think it’s pretty reasonable for the proposee to express a desire to choose their own ring and he dismissed her feelings. I would be really hurt, not because of the materialistic side of it but I think it says bigger things.

My ex proposed to me. I had told him I don’t like diamonds and would never want a diamond ring. I’d also said I wasn’t ready just yet. He proposed with a diamond ring. That spoke volumes to me.

This story is all over the Internet, so the poster needn't worry about breaking the subject with her fiance...

It would be better to go ring shopping together.  I understand that he wanted it to be a surprise, and it does sound like he followed her very wide parameters.

I don't think it was smart of her to put this on the internet and then say she wants to break it to him gently.  I know she wanted advice, but telling a bunch of strangers that you hate the ring, posting a picture of it and risking it going viral (as it did) isn't really a gentle way for someone to find out how you feel.  I don't think she's horrible or wanted to be cruel, just a little shortsighted.

She's in a tough spot.  Considering that she loves and wants to marry him and trusted him to go through her jewelry box and shopping on his own, I think she should give him the benefit that he tried and took the task of getting her an engagement ring seriously.  He missed, but he tried.

In her shoes, I think I would acknowledge the sentiment and her excitement about marrying him and then maybe acknowledge that "no pink, blue sapphires or diamonds" wasn't a comprehensive list when she also doesn't like dark yellow, large amber, or heart shaped jewelry.  And maybe also acknowledge that her taste is specific enough/out of the norm for engagement rings that just looking through her jewelry box and asking a sales person for help, isn't enough to ensure that it's something she'd like as an engagement ring.  She can iterate that he did nothing wrong, but also be honest that the ring isn't something she'd want to wear everyday for the rest of her life.

If he wants the final ring to be a surprise, maybe she can pick out a few things that she likes while shopping with him and then let him make the final decision and purchase on his own.

She could have also shown him pictures of different stones and styles of rings that's to her taste so it can still be a surprise. The guy probably can't see beyond diamonds, sapphires, and pink (rubies). But still, I can't imagine what he was thinking with such a big honking ring. Like I said above, I like the ring but it's so strange for an engagement ring. Doesn't he have any family, friends, or coworkers to get advice? Even Google or talking to a store clerk. Even a random stranger.

Yep. They should have done something similar to what we did, when my husband really wanted to give me a piece of jewelery: I picked about ten things with a reasonable spread in in cost in the Tiffany's web site and emailed him the links. That wy he could get one or more of those and knew I would like it and for me it was still a surprise what I got.

I mean, emeralds exist. And peridots (though I probably only know that one because it's my birthstone).

Walk into any jewelry store and he could see a rainbow of gems. Heck, even Walmart.

I don't think it's the stone. Amber is pretty too in the right size and setting. If I never wore big rings and got that as my engagement ring, I would wonder what message the guy is trying to say. I guess the best thing is to ask why he chose that one out of all the rings in the world.

Heirloom pieces open up a whole 'nother can of worms, though.  And I really think the recipient needs to be in on it, if there is anything unusual about it.  I mean, if I was Kate and William surprised me with Diana's ring, I'd be like, 'Hell, no.  I'm not wearing your dead mother's ring.'  I'm thinking they must have discussed it ahead of time and Kate was OK with it.  If he surprised her?  She's an incredibly tolerant woman!

I always wondered what Kate thought about the ring too. The style is very 80's.

Personally, I still think of it as Princess Diana's ring and I'm sure many people do too. I wonder how Kate feels about a ring that's "not her own."

Even for myself, a person as common as you can get, I don't want my husband's great-grandma's ring. Too much responsibility and baggage involving his entire family.